If I Ruled the World...

Now playing: Nas feat. Lauryn Hill, “If I Ruled the World”

If I Ruled the World…

Work days would start at noon and end at 4, in time for Oprah and to catch the subway before the evening rush.

"A Different World" would STILL BE ON. (As I see it, Whitley and Dwayne would have kids that would be like cousins to Ron’s. Shaza would come back to be with Freddie and Kim would be living in a bangin’ crib and practicing medicine on the Vineyard! Albeit, while rolling in a … you guessed it, burgundy Range Rover.)

Every Tuesday would be the first day of spring.

The stankety stank “lady” I sit next to at work would have to undergo mandatory employee “ghettosity adjustment training.” She would also have to come in with a real hairdo and not be allowed to sport a raccoon slung from a hair elastic. (I too am for the ethical treatment of animals. Lol.)

I would marry a man with Idris Elba’s looks, Dave Chappelle’s sense of humor, Will Downing’s voice and Sen. Barack Obama’s intellect.

I would go to the gym everyday and twice on Sundays.

Winter would not exist. At all. In any form.

At no point in time would close talkers be allowed to come within five feet of me for a conversation. For the ones with repugnant breath, an alarm attached to my earrings would go off if they crossed said limit. (At that point a midget would emerge from my desk drawer to handcuff them and take them off to Sing Sing.)

There would be a direct monorail from my house to Bloomingdale’s.

Every restaurant would make lovely crème brulee!

They would give awards for good Scattergories players. (I swear I would win. Try me suckahs! Lol.)

They would actually have pots of gold at the end of rainbows. And unicorns. I mean, you don’t know how disappointed I was to learn that they didn’t exist in kindergarten. It was like, “What? What do you mean?!” Lol.

Instead of setting us back 10,000 years as a people, the likes of Trina and the Ying Yang twins would band together and use their ill-gotten lucre to actually try to help educate some of their non-English speaking brethren. Actually, if the twins would just enroll in an “English as a Second Language” class, that would be a good start. I’d be happy.