If I Ruled the... Oscars

And then we'll walk right into the sun, hand in hand...
We'll walk right into the sun, we won't land.

"You know it's hawwwwwwwd out heah fo' a pimp" would not be the first dose of hip hop the staid Academy of Motion Pictures audience would have seen on the grand stage. Martin and Malcolm would not have yet another reason to roll over again in terra firma as I shielded my eyes from the TV screen :-)

I could have my own version of J. Lo's Oscar dress. Great style that girl has. If only I had her budget (but not Senor Skeletaur for a hubby)

The oh so graceful but ever so pale Nicole Kidman would have to wear a darker colored dress and a flashlight around her neck, so we could see her. Four words: Casper the Friendly Ghost.

Every man could dress as well as the oh so pimptastic Terrence Howard. He even pulled off a borderline "Brokeback" brooch and croc man purse. Think Marvin Gaye said it best: "Mercy, mercy me!"

There would be no affirmative action for average-to-ugly white women (ie Hilary Swank, Sarah Jessica "Toucan Sam" Parker, Felicity Huff "cause I look like a" man and the alien... I mean Olsen... twins). Instead, plain white girls would be called uh... plain white girls.

Every Oscar host would have smart zingers like Jon Stewart who quipped about a year of movie remakes. "Walk the Line--it was Ray with white people." Classic. It's what I've been saying all along! Lol.

Instead of giving loads of free jewels to celebs, they would give free meals to the needy... Or, at least free jewels to me.

I could go home instead of still being here at work on a Monday at 10:42 Eastern Standard Time cranking out files. And I would stop getting blank stares from higher ups when I explain that it's past 1865, so I no longer work extra hours for free. (Do I look like Phyllis Wheatley? Scram! Lol)