All the Way Live -- Or Not

"Well it's too late baby. No, it's too late/

Though we really did try to make it/

Something inside has died/

And I can't hide and I just can't take it"

As sung by the Stylistics

I know, you read this and you think, well Mahogany must be crying her eyes out over some Casanova catting around. Nyet, my lovely blog readers. I sing this song only to mourn the loss of the MTV Video Music Awards... ahem, to a traveling band of rogue nigrahs and their amigos!!

To think that I semi-rearranged my schedule to make sure I was home to view the awards show which in the past has produced such priceless moments as Eminem fighting a standard issue puppet dog, the Wayans brothers co-hosting and becoming the nouveau Venus and Serena Williams, and my absolute favorite--Puffy and his minions of Bad Boy performing a moving tribute to the Notorious B.I.G. when it actually appeared to be a tribute and not another McMansion-getting ploy for the nattily clad, tap dancing Ronald McNegro (a.k.a. Puff Daddy a.k.a. P daddy a.k.a. Diddy a.k.a. Poppa Diddly Pop).

So imagine my disgust when I tuned in at around...oh, 10 p.m. (Pray to loose that C.P.T demon from mah bones, chuch!). Anyways, I'm looking at the screen and there is Puffy in the middle of some sort of monsoon... or is that him directing? What the devil? It was taking me too long to figure out what was going on. So, I took the opportunity to journey to the kitchen to get some ketchup for my fries. And, check my e-mail. And, alphabetize my CDs... LOL

By the time I get back the show I'm still as thoroughly confused. Why is Eva Longoria (the most trying to be J. Lo person I have ever seen with mine own eyes) struttin about in ruffles and pannie-draws? Are ya jokin', I wonder? And then when her rationale doesn't draw cheers from the audience like I am sure she had hoped, she looks sort of deer-caught-in-the headlights. As she should be. Where was her momma--letting her out the house looking like that?

Love the performance of Kanye and Jamie Foxx. But my previous "Special Bus" thoughts (see my 8/26 post) still stand about his flow. Glad he had Jamie to add in the live vocals *singing* "Goldiggggah", but what was up with latter gentleman's goatee with the extra "scruff and tuff" at the bottom? He reminded me of what the offspring of Cee-Lo and Sammy Davis Jr. might look like. Jamie -- love ya brotha. Love the acting. Love the spirit. Love the suit. But, that was not a good look.

There were a couple of other things I failed to understand about the show. Like, why was 50 Cent performing? Wasn't he so 2001? I mean, really... He sings another version of the same song in every one of his raps and then proceeds to prance about the stage in the same undershirt I see him in EVERYWHERE? Isn't it time to put it in the hamper, Fitty? Geez. And not to be macabre, but part of me wishes those trashbag pants he was sporting would have caught on fire as he rapped in glowing ring. At least it would make the otherwise useless pyrotechnics something to watch.

And, is it me or does anyone else not believe that Kelly Clarkson is a rocker? I'm sorry Kelly, but no matter how dirty your feet look from walking in the crowd, no matter how much you yell, no matter how much you stick out your tongue and try to look cool... I DON'T BELIEVE YOU. Sorry, I saw you on Fox primetime with all of the confetti streaming down, while you kissed a crazy Barnum and Bailey refugee clown... I mean Justin Guarini...crying and singing "Moments Like This" when you won on American Idol. You had crazy Punky Brewster-stlyle highlights and a red prom dress made from some sort of faux velvet material. I saw you Kelly. LOL. And rocker are you not. You have pipes, not hating. In fact, Strangez Shante on that note. But please stop trying so hard.

Which brings me on to other news. I found it problematic that we had to watch Kelly... and that random Chemical "we love Beezlebub" band yell at the top of their lungs when a REAL bonafide rocker and utterly too cool for the show diva, Ms. Gwen Stefani, sat in the audience filing her nails and eating Cracker Jacks. What was MTV thinking?! I mean really. Even I, who sometimes grows tired of the Neptunes' clankety clank beats and am quite decidedly none's "hollaback gurl", am known to walk about my house singing this "ish is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S." lol. Plus, she was rocking her OWN style... and she always does with such aplomb. I would have cheered for the 5-inch stilletos alone *Making a mental note to google where she got them*. But no... MTV says we have to watch a pretend rocker... and her dirty feet. Hrmph...

Among the other travesties...R-uh Kelly morphing from your average Joe Red devil pedophile to -- I dunno -- a pedophile with multiple personalities performing what could be thought of as his latest addition to the overflow of chitlin circuit church plays "Trapped Inside the Closet". (I personally am glad to say I didn't witness this one as it came on before I commenced viewing. (or maybe when I took that long, Diddy-induced break?) But to hear it retold and see the photos was more than enough.). Next on the horror list I did not witness but was told about was 50 cussing out Fat Joe. *And now a moment of silence for the Little Rock Nine, Martin, Malcolm, Fannie Lou Hamer and everyone else who gave their life or life's work to open the door for crack rock porchmonkeys to have their stage. Wait... give them a moment to roll over in their graves. Martin, you all the way over yet? Okay. Shall we?* *Clearing throat* Joe, please thank Our Lady of Guadelupe, and Fitty, your grandmomma ... and the heavens above... that you are not saying "Welcome to McDonalds. How may I help you?" lol I swear... you nigrahs have about a half a G.E.D. between you and you get riches, recognition...and a prime TV awards show... and ACT CLEAN OUT! I have no words... Meanwhile, while you wild out, a group that has been rocking for years, while wearing ... ahem, mascara makes off with all the awards. Now, who's the real gangsta? lol

Lastly, Destiny's Child showed a brave face and came out in their final (for now?) appearance at the VMAs. As much as this almost brought a tear to my eye, I was disappointed to see that the admittedly talented and vivacious Beyonce was playing Miss "stand back, don't block my stage light" Diana until the very end. Will state the positive first. The hair was hooked. The bangles were on point. And, I almost thought she had dialed Ms. Ross to borrow the dazzling dress that she and her 'nems (the Supremes) debuted in on the Ed Sullivan show back in the 60's. But why, on their very last MTV appearance did Beyonce make it so painfully obvious that they were not now/were not ever in the past/ nor were they ever going to be truly a group. I could just visualize Tina Knowles backstage scurrying to help B with hair and makeup and fabulous sequined dress, while Michelle and Kelly look from the wings with forlorn eyes. Finally as curtain call nears, and the girls, still sans dresses mention this sad fact to their patron saint, Ms. Knowles. She scowls at them, her lips forming a tight beak. "You want dresses? Very well then." *She pries open a chest in the corner and finds two rayon dresses from Solange's 1987 Christmas party and throws them at them.* She adds, "Here, now scram!" LOL And though all of this is just in my mind's eye, we might as well have been backstage. Poor Kelly and Michelle. I do wish them well. I hope they can salvage the remnants of their mercurial fame for lifelong riches. And I do hope that in the years to come they aren't like me, left looking at the TV screen tuned to the once-cool MTV Video Music Awards, wondering when things went wrong. Remembering when it was all so snazzy. When the VMAs were fountain from which other award shows drew their youthful piece de resistance. Singing quietly... "It's too late baby. It's too late."